Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Every nights is the same old story. Im sick of it. I cause it, u cause it. It takes two hands to clap, cliche but come on, its the damn truth. Sorry for the negative externalities...i cant imagine hw it feels like to b in ur position. Just sitting there, inevitably eaves-dropping. Im sorry to put u through that.
How long more of this i can take? Im not sure, i just hope that its long enough for things to change.
Never would i have thought that what *** said wld come true. Worse, it applied to ME. If happened to me...damn. I really never thought that that would happen. I guess i was too happy then, in that overrated "honeymoon period". Damn.
11:38 PM
4 COMMENTS
Monday, October 20, 2008
I kinda regret posting that post about my sis. It was a thoughtless and in the moment kind of post, but well not the ENTIRE thing was bitching right? Well, i gave it some thought, altho i love it here. Really i do, im also going to post on my Livejournal. *wah peer pressure! hahaa no la, its kinda nice there too. So i m going to alternate here and there and everywhere.
http://raggae.livejournal.com
That's my LJ, i kinda linked it to my "chicks" as well. Hai studying and playing typing race on FB at the same time. well back to studying for econs -_-" cant believe im re-living A'lvels subjects again, ugh :p
For those who haven't seen my permed hair, well here are some pics :) The reason for perming's cause im sick and tired of rebonding, sitting in the hair dressers for 6 hours straight staring at my reflection and reading magazines. So i decided to take a risk and go back to my roots (literally) with my curly hair.
3:40 PM
0 COMMENTS
Friday, October 17, 2008
Im not trying to degrade anyone here, but im just speaking the truth. I tried this, it helped and its still helping. Whenever you get into a fight with someone, e.g. Someone who is so hard headed and stubborn and childish, the only way you can relieve your anger without killing her is to talk to yourself! It doesn't really help for the first few seconds, but i promise within a minute, you start to feel like a better person.The reason y im posting this is cause i just got out of an argument with my sis. It's so retarded cause i made sure to start off politely, asking whether she used powder. Her reply was yes. So i told her, oh ok cause your powder dropped all over my patent bag and its causing it to lose its shine. Next time you use powder can you try standing farther away? Note: tone was light, purposely ditched the harsh, accusing tone. From this point, i practically didn't even have the chance to speak. She kept saying i ACCUSED her of putting powder on my bag and that she deliberately stood there to put powder on my bag. Hello...do you not understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? At this point i was thinkin...hai isn't this how all our convos turn out? No matter how lightly i start it, she gets defensive and starts interrupting me non-stop so that i wouldn't even get the chance to utter anything.
* Point * A view from a professor, he mentioned something along these lines. Those that interrupt you when you are speaking feel that you are superior to them, and thus not willing to give you the respect to even speak.
After reading that, i was enlightened. My sis does not have any respect for me at all. Well at times i do do that to certain ppl, those i shall not mention. But i shall change, knowing that i very well do not like being disrespected. So after i TRIED salvaging the convo, i calmed myself down to talk her into LISTENING to what i said instead of creating little scenarios in her tiny brain. It went on well, so i tried once again to lighten the mood and said "Hey! there's a new game on facebook called Typing Game which is really fun."
She didn't reply for bout 20 seconds and then walked out and said "These kind of games are such a waste of time"
Well my point for posting this is that, i almost pointed my finger at her and punched my fist into the wall cause i was so angered by her childish nature and her limited attempt to even act like an adult. Gosh how is she EVER going to carry out a proper convo with anyone in the future?! So to restrain from hurting myself, i thought, Hey! why not turn this anger to positive energy. So i downplayed HER. I made it seem as if i was the more mature and sensible one here whereas she took on the role of the retarded imbecile. So i felt better after that.
Ok so she just returned from her shower and shes acting normal and so am i. FYI, this is not a target to her but its just a way of handling anger. Cause i have to admit i do have a bad temper :p
12:18 AM
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Sunday, October 12, 2008
well im nt jus talkin bout my hair, its more of my life in general. Things are not gg smoothly. Firstly i failed my symmetry and crystals module (FIY: its a chem module). Basically i suck at science and have no interest whatsoever to study therefore its my fault that i failed. But one thing that puzzles me is...they say university allows students to "Zoom in" on their career path, for me its Mass communication. So y MUST we take contrasting electives. I understand modules like Business, Economics, English Lit will definitely help in broadenin ones knowledge, but CHEMISTRY? Get REAL. Thinking of posing this question to smeone who actually knows how to reply, cause for me, i find it completely redundant n even detrimental to my overall GPA. Did i mention, since i failed chem (which is 3AUs) i have to double up nxt semester? *$^#^&*$&# -Curses-
Well on the fuzzy side, i dont know whether to blame P.M.S or myself or maybe even the relationship, cause im feeling that smething is jus not rite. Something. Communicating jus feels so different, so difficult. Time together just flies pass (ok may be good, cause we r enjoying ourselves) but...something...something i cant put my pinkie on. not even my pinkie toenail can grasp what im feeling. Well lets jus wait for the P.M.S to float over first, then will i get a clearer picture of this fuzziness.
Daddy's bday on fri was so enjoyable. Except that i fought with my sis. but we always fight so nothing new la. The only sad part was having to pangseh grace and shikins shopping trip to Bugis. the only consolation for missing that is to think of e money i saved -_-" doesnt help cause i rather have clothes!!! Still, family first. So we went to a quaint (n expensive =( ) restaurant, food was sooo fantastic, and sooo not worth but well when ur with ur parents, who really cares bout the bill rite? it jus comes and goes =p God will punish me for sayin that. Went hme to a fantastic Cedele Walnut Carrot Cake that me n my sis bought in the early afternoon along with daddys XXL polo Tees. hahah yea his tummy is huge. Took sme pics, but my hair sucks so im contemplating putting it up.
Maybe some other time :p
2:18 AM
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Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I hold back my tears cause i noe u have it much rougher than me. How can i weep for something that is not a problem to me? Am i such a little bugger inside, with no stand for life's daily obstacles. Or do i just feel too much for you, seeing you in such a state. Now physically but emotionally. You hide it from me, and i will do my ultimate best to hide it from you. It is what you deserve. That's jus what im feeling right now, so so sorry if it makes utterly no sense at all. My emotions has spurred me to make an entry...i just cant keep it to myself anymore. Yet, no one will noe about this issue from my mouth. I have to overcome my biggest weakness and that is to keep my mouth shut. I hope things change for the better. One year is a long time, but i will be there for you, just don't give up on me. I will not tolerate it...especially not from you.
12:27 AM
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Tuesday, September 23, 2008
well it has been a long time since i've last blogged but yea i have been busy...playing facebooks "word challenge" ! its fun and addictive. the bowling buddies application is so awesome too haha. well. thinking of making this drastic change to myself. yes i have finally dug up e courage to curl my hair. bring back the natural roots... i look older, sadly. but better to look old when ur young than old when ur damn old. hahaha. i only live once anyway =( im really so happy for my bestie rite nw =) really so happy. i bet she must have felt e exact same way i am feeling nw when i gt attached to my own... i never cld understand the meaning of feeling genuinely happy for someone. to b honest i found it hard to. jealousy consumed me...or pity for myself disabled me. but this time i truly feel proud for her....take care bestie. good things will come ur way =)
well i have lots of work to do. so super sian to even touch it...hai. keep tellinm myself i can finish it haha. wad a joke. i obviously cant =p better get started by 1 am. its alrdy 12.56am . damn. hahah thats a sign rite...im so living in denial. hahaha...alrighty mates. toodles.
12:00 AM
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Thursday, August 21, 2008
Well its been a hell-ofa-week. ok it wasnt but it felt so long and painful...prob cause my mind was so so preoccupied with the stupid symmetry and crystals test we had to take on weds, scored a C/C+, have no idea wad that means. So my brain remained pretty jumbled till this morning, so shagged i didnt feel like gg for lect till i gt roomie-pressured (sincerely thank you krystal). Now back at hme...ponned econs lect *shhh* ...guess i jus cldnt get thru another lect. have to do sme catching up by myself sme other time.
Firstly, no this is not about sex (esp nt with anuaar) haha...and amazingly this topic itself doesnt revolve around him either! *wow! haha, its way more serious. dont get me wrong im nt saying our relationship aint serious. Damn im driving myself into a freakin corner here! Its bout family. ok NOW u understand. haha, apparently its nt laughing matter. My beloved mother sent me home from sch, all the way in tuas (the gesture i failed to appreciate for many many years) aft a long day at work. And i felt that i shld at least show both my phy n mental presence in the car. So i started talking...n boy trust me it was a loooonnnngggg journey so i talked. The topic veered and meandered to touchy topics n i guess it hit a spot, prob mre like a button she wanted smeone to push for a VERY long time.
She literally opened and told me many things, starting with the obvious (money issues) and sinking to the deeper, more buried secrets she held to herself. Those buried under that smile she manages to paste on everyday as she climbs up the stairs to greet our stoic faces. Our voices cracked with every proceeding sentence, obviously tryin to avoid hitting the trigger that unlocks our tears. We didnt wan2 cry! No way...not in front of your own child/daughter. And for me, not in front of my mother. The more she shared, the more i pushed for her to listen to my solutions. Try this mummy...we cant give up, not when he needs us most. Not now.
But her well of patience was obviously drier than a poor mans bank account. Yet, I'm telling (and by telling i mean deluding) myself that there is still hope, i believe that there is some love left.some. I thought i cld escape all this heartache by pushin myself further from home...but im so wrong. im closer than i will ever be.We ended on a very cold note, one which ended once our door opened. As if we didnt wan2 bring this issue, this pain into our home.To protect it. Throughout the conversation, we pushed our luck to find out more from each other, knowing when to stop and when to push even harder. i was willing to give out mre candy but she is still, after all, my mother and i cant cross the line. NOT the line.
We went our separate ways aft the talk, back to our rooms. I shed tears, ok POURED tears. The reality hit me way too hard, the pain i've failed to detect whenever i looked into her eyes. Or do i ever look into her eyes?
They say that when you are afraid of someone, you will not be able to look straight into their eyes. But i am not afraid of my own mother, i fear the truth.
9:47 PM
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